We all know there’s no greater authority on winning at relationships than Jane Austen. So when it comes to Valentine’s Day, we could all do with learning a thing or two from her characters. I studied her works at great length to extract these valuable lessons, so I hope you find them useful.
- If you’re doing relatively well in most other areas of your life, but remain somehow single, then you are a prime target for matchmakers, and you have no choice but to be happy about it. This is a truth universally acknowledged.
- If you ask someone out this Valentine’s Day, and they say no, assume they have misunderstood the question. Assume they meant to say yes. If they get angry and throw you out of the house, ask out their less attractive friend. If it works for someone as awful as Mr Collins, it can work for you too.
- Interfering in your friends’ relationship statuses is a great way to make yourself indispensable to everyone. While breaking up couples in order to matchmake new ones, you can secretly prepare your gracious reaction when they thank you at the wedding. This almost never has disastrous consequences.
- If you secretly like someone, spread rumours about how wealthy and important they are. That way, when you finally get together, it will reflect really well on you too.
- Grand romantic gestures are a great way to get someone’s attention, and the more dramatic and dangerous, the better. Nothing says ‘we’re meant to be together’ like jumping off a wall at someone.
With all that great advice, you can’t go wrong! Go and enjoy Valentine’s Day, then come back and let me know how many thousands a year your new partner has, and what kind of barouche they drive. Don’t say I don’t cover the important issues on this blog.