Terrible TripAdvisor Reviews from Fiction

“This is the worst journey ever!” the driver declared, after we’d been pretty much stationary in traffic for two hours.

“Is it really though? At least we’re not walking to Mordor. That would be worse,” I attempted to instil some optimism to the car atmosphere.

“Nope, that definitely wouldn’t be as bad as this.”

And then, because we were still three hours away from our destination and the radio was playing up again, I started musing about the worst trips ever taken by fictional characters, which swiftly turned into imagining the TripAdvisor reviews they might leave.

Image result for beauty and the beast castle

The Enchanted Castle, Somewhere in France

Reviewed by: BookishBelle

3 out of 5 stars. Bad first impressions, but it grows on you

At first glance, the accommodation appeared run down and imposing, and the lack of other guests points to this establishment having seen better days. The owner was rude and aggressive, but the staff more than made up for his poor welcome. The caterers provide an impressive range of French cuisine and the evening entertainment was magical. Checking out of this place seems not to be an option, but at least the library is well-stocked.

Image result for prancing pony lord of the rings

The Prancing Pony, Bree

Reviewed by: Mr Underhill

2 out of 5 stars. Sort out your security.

While the bar was amply supplied, and my fellow travellers enjoyed discovering what the locals apparently call a ‘pint’, I must suggest that the owners invest in better security systems. Five undead wraiths managed to make their way past reception and attempt to murder me in my sleep, which is not what I would expect at the price we paid for our room. Having acquired a scary-looking bodyguard with a mysterious past, I will be departing at once in search of safer accommodation.

Image result for white witch castle narnia

The White Witch’s Castle, Narnia

Reviewed by: OnceaKingofNarnia

1 out of 5 stars. I hope this place melts

The best thing I can say about the castle is that it chose a theme and stuck to it well. Every surface and room was constructed from ice, while the menacing gallery of the owner’s petrified (in more ways than one, haha) enemies made its point convincingly. The reception desk was manned by an ill-mannered wolf who was most unhelpful, while the accommodation and catering did not remotely live up to the advertisements. I was led to believe the castle contained rooms full of Turkish delight, but these were apparently closed off for renovation during my stay. I will be contacting Marketing Standards about this. My stay was deeply uncomfortable, first from being made to stay in a very cold room, and second from being tied up and nearly turned into a human sacrifice. Would not recommend to other travellers.

 

Have you read any books lately that you think would lend themselves well to a terrible TripAdvisor review?

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